Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
