remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
