then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
