We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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