so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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