We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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