dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
