Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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