I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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