Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
