Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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