so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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