Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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