Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My penis needs a shock collar
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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