I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
