I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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