she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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