You're my little dorito
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have fence marks all over my body
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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