And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
