I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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