Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
