party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
