Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
