I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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