I just pynch a tree in the face
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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