He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
