Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
