it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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