I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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