He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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