I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
