i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
is it fun? or sober?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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