You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
