Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
