i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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