Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
