i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
