I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
