Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
