he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
