just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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