Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
