Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
