why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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