I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
