Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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