So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
