The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize