I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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