the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
