I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i think i just lost a toe
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