Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
