he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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