Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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