what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
