All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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